It’s the week of Mother’s Day so I’m spending some time reflecting on how I got here and how I can be a better mom.
When I was 15, my grandpa died. At his funeral, there were so many flower. So many. All I could smell were flowers. Now every time I have get a big whiff of flowers, I think of his funeral. Don’t worry, it doesn’t leave me sad. It floods me with memories of life with him. It sort of reminds me of pregnancy memories.
Recently I read a Scary Mommy article about symphysis pubis dysfunction. It’s basically a condition when the relaxin hormone works a little too well and your pelvis separates. The pain is blinding. I’d know. I had it with two pregnancies, but the last was by far the worst.
Reading the article, I was reminded of the pain–the way it hurt to roll over in bed, stand up, walk or sit. I couldn’t help but remember how every single step sent shivers down my spine. But there was nothing that could be done about it. So I powered–I mean hobbled on.
This condition corrected itself after I had the baby, but anytime I get a tight hip or turn the wrong way, the memories of those painful days come flooding back. Sometimes I even wince.
It wasn’t my only “complication.” I also had polyhydrominos. In short, I had way too much amniotic fluid. (Side note: I’m so glad I didn’t Google that before I gave birth. The reasons for polyhydrominos can range from anything to weird issue ((like me)) to serious birth defects.) I measured ahead from nearly the get-go. I was so uncomfortable…not just because my skin was stretching beyond it’s ability, but because I was filled with fluid and baby. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t get comfortable sitting or sleeping.
And I couldn’t stand close to the sink.
This seems like something strange to mention, but it bothered me. I like washing dishes so I got frustrated when washing them became difficult. I had to slouch my shoulders forward just to reach the dishes properly.
To this day, when I stand at the sink, I think about how nice it is to be able to reach correctly.
Most of the memories that come to mind aren’t great. I had all sorts of issues with my pregnancies. Insomnia, tachycardia, migraines…it was really bad. However, there were good moments.
I think of the time we found out our third was a girl. The way we huddled in the ultrasound room while we waited for her to turn the right way. Or the way my oldest’s foot was jab out near my ribs on my right side. I would push at it and she’d move it back in. I could feel them roll and hiccup. I was getting bigger and that meant they were growing.
While so many thing bring back the bad memories, I also try to remember the good moments as well. But they aren’t enough to make me do it again!
What about you? Are there items, smells or feelings that cause memories to come rushing back, even if they aren’t pleasant?
