Finding My Vacation Random Thoughts Self Improvement

Emotional Underperformance

Last week, I had a few dreams about vomit. I felt a little anxious. I couldn’t put my finger on it, except I felt a little like crying.

I mentioned it to my mom and she said, “I think you are just excited about going to Florida.”

That’s not how I felt.

It kept going on. I felt like I needed a big hug. I felt like I couldn’t write, speak or even sing (kidding, I don’t sing) about how I felt. The emotions were underperforming and I couldn’t place them. What was this? Sadness? Excitement? Anxiety? Stress?

I get this from time to time, so I decided to think about other times it’s happened.

When my husband had arm surgery last week and I saw him for the first time, I nearly panicked. I couldn’t place what I was feeling. Was I scared? Was I relieved? Was I nervous? Was I releasing the morning full of anxiety? I don’t know. But in order to get it together, I had to go out in the hallway and cry.

When there is a really nice, sunny day, I think of all the amazing things I could do with my kids. I think of how awesome it is to have them around. I think about how green the grass it, how pretty the flowers are and just how lucky we are. And I cry.

When I think about some stuff that’s happened this year and over the last several. When I think about where I wish some relationships were, and where they actually stand, I can do nothing but cry.

When we were getting ready to leave for the airport for this trip, I just wanted to cry.

I can’t tell you if the warm weather, the family stuff or the trip made me excited or happy or sad or frustrated or whatever. All I could do was release the emotion through some tears and return to my normal state.

I wish I could tell you how I actually felt.

I wish I could jump up and down when I get excited, rather than feeling like I have to “release the emotion” with some tears.

I wish I could just tell people how I feel rather than holding it in because the words, the words to say how I actually do feel, just won’t come out because I can’t recognize the emotion.

I might be able to figure out how to put words with the feeling. I might be able to figure out how to identify them. And one day, I hope to learn to express them…the correct way.

Maybe I should take this post to therapy with me next time!